HELL

So, yeah, things are really shitty between Daniel and I right now.  I believe they are the worst they've been in the eleven years he and I have been together.  This says alot considering the amount of times we've split up and lived in separate homes.  Yes, while we were "split up", we never stopped seeing one another, but we were separated, nontheless.  This time, I can't open up to him.  After last winter...no, I can't even blame it all on what happened last winter.  Yes, it has a lot to do with it, but it's me.  I can't talk to him anymore.  I don't know how.  I've lost who I am, and I'm frightened.  I've lost my identity, and I'm not the Miki he married...I'm not the Miki he fell in love with at 16.  I'm the most depressed I have ever been, and I don't know how to deal with this.  It's not fair for me to ask him to stay...keep putting him through HELL, because I don't know how to cope anymore.  It's not fair for him to suffer too.  I'm living in my own Hell right now, but this is my problem.  It's not his, and it's not because of him that I'm here.  I wrote him a letter tonight, and I told him I release him...I don't blame him if he wants to leave.  I'll love him anyways, but I completely understand.  I hate me right now, so I can only imagine how he feels.  I'm in a funk right now, and my heads in a place that's scaring the shit outta me.  I told him I'm gonna get help.  I will get back to being that Miki he once loved, but I don't know how long it will take, and he doesn't have to stand beside me while I'm struggling with my identity.  I don't know what to do.  He's angry with me, because I told him I didn't know what I wanted.  I'd be pissed if the tables were turned.  It's the truth, though.  I don't know if I want to keep stringing him along putting him through hell while I get back to normal.  I don't know if I will ever get back to normal...especially if he chooses to leave.  I'll never be whole without him.  Listen to me.  How fucking pathetic.  Really.  I was never this codependent...what the fuck happened  to me?  Why do I think I can't live without him... Because I don't want to.  I don't want to ever live without him, but he's not giving me what I need (because I don't know what I need/want), and I can't give him what he needs.  What a fucked up situation we are in.  We're coming up on our 7th anniversary in May.  I thought after the fifth year things got easier.  I thought by now we'd be buying a home of our own in the country.  I figured I'd be finished with my school.  I'd be done waiting mother fucking tables...being nice to people I can't stand.  Being fake with people I'd rather strangle.  I'm so angry, and I hate this feeling.  I can't help how I'm feeling, can I?  I go see the doc tomorrow, and I'm telling him he has got to put me back on my bipolar meds.  Something's gotta give, because this cannot be as good as it gets.  I can't live with myself anymore.  I can't handle the thought of causing him pain.  My fucked up head isn't his problem, and he shouldn't have to suffer because I can't get it together.  Idk what else to do.  I laid it all out for him.  Told him I didn't know a lot of things, but one thing I do know is that I want to be with him.  I also told him that I won't judge him if he can't do this anymore.  He could leave, and while it would destroy what's left of my heart, I would have a sense of peace knowing he could be happy.  I hate that I'm not making him happy.  I don't know how to make myself happy right now.  I hate that, but I hate that I'm failing him even more.  I've failed as a wife, and I'm sorry.  I've failed as a friend, and I'm sorry.  I've failed as a companion, and I'm sorry.  I've failed as a partner, and I'm so incredibly sorry.  I wish things were different.